The Conversation - no, not the one declaring atheism.

So, this has been popping up on my facebook feed recently.

Me: God, can I ask You a question?
God: Sure
Me: Promise You won't get mad

God: I promise

Me: Why did You let so much stuff happen to me today?

God: What do u mean?

Me: Well, I woke up late

God: Yes

Me: My car took forever to start

God: Okay

Me: at lunch they made my sandwich wrong & I had to wait

God: Huummm

Me: On the way home, my phone went DEAD, just as I picked up a call

God: All right

Me: And on top of it all off, when I got home ~I just want to soak my feet in my new foot massager & relax. BUT it wouldn't work!!! Nothing went right today! Why did You do that?

God: Let me see, the death angel was at your bed this morning & I had to send one of My Angels to battle him for your life. I let you sleep through that

Me (humbled): OH

GOD: I didn't let your car start because there was a drunk driver on your route that would have hit you if you were on the road.

Me: (ashamed)

God: The first person who made your sandwich today was sick & I didn't want you to catch what they have, I knew you couldn't afford to miss work.

Me (embarrassed):Okay

God: Your phone went dead because the person that was calling was going to give false witness about what you said on that call, I didn't even let you talk to them so you would be covered.

Me (softly): I see God

God: Oh and that foot massager, it had a shortage that was going to throw out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn't think you wanted to be in the dark.

Me: I'm Sorry God

God: Don't be sorry, just learn to Trust Me.... in All things , the Good & the bad.

Me: I will trust You.

God: And don't doubt that My plan for your day is Always Better than your plan.

Me: I won't God. And let me just tell you God, Thank You for Everything today.

God: You're welcome child. It was just another day being your God and I Love looking after My Children...

 Awww. Sooo cute, just trust god! 

Well, wait. We have a few problems here.  Let's edit this with what my actual responses would be:


God: Let me see, the death angel was at your bed this morning & I had to send one of My Angels to battle him for your life. I let you sleep through that. 

Me:  Your invisible buddy's invisible buddies held off an invisible bad guy? An anthrpomorphicizing of a physical process? And death isn't evil in the first place. Why did they have to fight "him?" If it weren't for dying, there'd be no end to suffering, and we'd be hideously overpopulated with no end in sight... and buried under insects, animals, etc. that also didn't die.

Plus, God, you supposedly control the angel of death. I mean, you told him to not kill the Jews that had lamb's blood on their doors - or was he just allergic? - in Egypt, when you went to take out Pharoh's kid - and everyone else's - because he didn't agree with you. (By the way, that's very mob-boss like of you.) And he didn't agree because YOU "hardened his heart," and I don't think in context that means you upped his cholesterol levels. So if he was there to kill ME, it's because YOU wanted him to. But you had to send angels to fight him and make him not to? What's the deal with that? Is he taking your orders, or did you give him free will - which can only lead to you not actually having the power to enforce your plan, but we've been over that before. All this, of course, assumes death is a person - a very busy one. 

So, yeah. I just can't buy that one. Still, there were some other things. What was next?

 GOD: I didn't let your car start because there was a drunk driver on your route that would have hit you if you were on the road.

 Me: Gee. Thanks. What about the hundreds of other people on the road? Do they not deserve the same consideration? Why didn't you stop the *drunk driver's* car? Wouldn't that make more sense? And if he's supposed to kill someone, why not have your angels haul Mr. Death there over to whoever this OTHER person is and have them pass peacefully instead of terrified and possibly in lingering pain from a wreck? What could they possibly have done to deserve it?

While we're at it, how about a little trust in the senses you supposedly gave me - that I'd be able to stop. Or press the gas pedal. How about trust in your other people who designed and built the car, the seat belts, the air bags - are they all utterly incompetent?

Sorry, G, you're not really convincing me here. Still, more happened. There's that sandwich, after all.

 God: The first person who made your sandwich today was sick & I didn't want you to catch what they have, I knew you couldn't afford to miss work.

Me: OK. You stopped me from possibly getting a cold. Thanks for helping me avoid some minor discomfort, I guess. I'll keep the Nyquil for later. But wouldn't that have helped my immune system the next time I faced that? And what about the millions of others who are dying of starvation right this moment, dying of sickness, of parasites, in pain? Not to mention those stuck in the middle of wars - Syria comes to mind right now - or falsely imprisoned, tortured, raped and the like? Why is my losing a day of work - for which I have sick time, by the way - more important? Isn't that fairly piddly compared to all the other stuff?

 Let me guess, you busted my phone, too.

God: Your phone went dead because the person that was calling was going to give false witness about what you said on that call, I didn't even let you talk to them so you would be covered.

Me: And what if the person they'd lie to wouldn't believe them? Or would pick their story apart? Or, I don't know, ask ME about what they were told? Even if it impacted me, why not go after the NSA and not let them tap into EVERYONE's phone? Or better yet, those nations with regimes who spy on them and haul people off to prison - or just make them "disappear" - for saying the wrong thing? Isn't that more important than someone lying about me?

God: Oh and that foot massager, it had a shortage that was going to throw out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn't think you wanted to be in the dark.

Me: God, we have these things called circuit breakers. Sure, it might trip the circuit. I have a flashlight, and it's not that hard to find, look to see which is tripped, and reset it. I could then go to the store and buy a new one, if I had to. What about the people with no power at all, who can't refrigerate food and keep it unspoiled for longer? Or the people with no safe drinking water? Wouldn't that be a bigger issue than me being without electronic luxuries for a little while?


Now, I'm fairly sure he'd be pissed at me and not doing the "oh, just trust me" crap. But let's look at the last line:

God: You're welcome child. It was just another day being your God and I Love looking after My Children.

Me: Except, God, you're not. Look at all the examples I've given in this conversation. All the needless suffering, the poor decisions. You stopped the wrong car. Maybe you let someone who would have died die painfully instead of peacefully. You've contradicted yourself. You've let my luxury overrule the survival of millions. This sort of "looking after," dude, is why I think, if you exist, you're incompetent and/or sadistic. Of course, I don't believe you exist, either, as everything that happens - what you take credit for and what you ignore - make no sense with a 'loving' god, but perfect sense if there is no god. 

At which point, the guy comes into the room with the walkie-talkie, takes the other one from behind the pillow, and tells me I'm no fun.